Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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