So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
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