Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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