I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So gin and wine won't be happening again
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
