You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
