dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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