There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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