I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
