just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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