Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
