You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
