A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
