my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
