Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
