JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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