For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
