I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
