You smell like a Billy Joel song
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
