you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Less talking, more tequila
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
