I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
