why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
