thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
