Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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