I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
