im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
