I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
