We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
