so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
