I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
