She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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