Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
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If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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