I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
