your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
