Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
