I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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