Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
