I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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