so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
