i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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