I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
