We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
