I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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