it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
