I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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