Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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