If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Still dying that you shit outside
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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