so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
