I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
