cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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