Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
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