she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
