he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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