my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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