Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
did i just pee glitter
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
