Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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