No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
