He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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