How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
