Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
what day is it and did you see me today?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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