wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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