There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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